I am making a concerted effort to visit other people’s blogs to meet new people and be encouraged/inspired by what they do. This morning, I ran across a WordPress blog entitled, “Bites and Places.” One post really caught my attention: “Consensual Sex – Cheating or Rape?”
Naturally, I had to give my opinion on the subject. First, I must say, very few men (if any) talk about the intricacies of relationships. It’s uncomfortable. It’s embarrassing. It’s something we generally shy away from. Still, every now and again, I’m approached with or come across this subject and feel obligated to chime in.
After reading the entire post, my response was this:
“It’s better to wait. If you “love” someone enough to have sex with them, you should love them enough to marry them “before” having sex. The “marriage” symbolizes the forever-commitment we are looking for. Sex is a celebration of the commitment already made. You can’t use sex as a symbol of commitment because the question will always loom over your head. So, if that person really loves you, they’ll love you enough to wait. They’ll love you enough to marry you first. If they refuse to do that, I question their love for you altogether.”
Marriage is a big deal. When you tell someone you love them, that is a big deal. However, too often, it feels like if someone says “I love you” it doesn’t mean “I want to marry you” it means “I love you enough to want to have sex with you.” But the whole marriage thing first, whoa…that’s too much, too fast…they need time to think about it. Therefore, I’ve come to the conclusion that there must be different degrees of love. Or the word “love” is used to describe how a person feels simply because they can’t think of a better word to replace it with.
I suppose the definition of love itself between two people has to be the same. When they say they love each other, it has to be on the same level. If the woman wants to get married, but the guy doesn’t…yet they’re saying they love each other…we need a new word or two added to the English language to describe what level or type of love we have for someone. 😦
I don’t talk about this subject much anymore because enough people have said, “Eric, you’ve never been in a relationship, so you can’t give advice on it!” Point taken. After all this time, I’m still in the Disney “Sleeping Beauty” mode holding onto my virginity until I find the princess in the castle. Still, I try to use common sense in determining what to do in situations like this.
There are two types of hurt. You can hurt from doing what’s right and you can hurt from doing what’s wrong. Sometimes, there is no escape from pain. The woman I read about in the story…she knew the guy didn’t love her enough to marry her before having sex. But she didn’t want to endure the pain of being without him, being alone. This is the first type of hurt. Leaving the guy alone, accepting she would be alone for a longer span of time, losing a potential spouse…it all hurts. Yet, it’s the right decision.
On the other hand, the second type of hurt came when she decided to have sex with him before they got married, then tried to get married to him afterwards. It was a month?…a few months later?…things didn’t work out, they broke up. Now, she’s hurting because…he’s gone. She’s alone. Not only is she not getting married to him, but she has memories of these very special intimate times with him…that should have been experienced with her husband.
Some have said, “Welcome to Earth. These things happen in life, Eric.” I cannot mold my brain into thinking that way and my heart rejects it completely. Instead of waiting for what you really want, you settle for what you can get right now. And people the world over are supposed to live like this and think our society’s gonna turn out just fine?
No. It will not. Because our society consists of people. When a lot people make bad decisions in order to avoid the hurt from making a right decision…it negatively affects us all.
Questions. What does love look like to you? How do you define love? How do you know when a person really loves you? Perhaps, I’ll share more of my own thoughts later.
Eric Christopher Jackson