I told myself I couldn’t …and I never did.
You can only achieve what you believe. This is the beginning of the end. You can’t go further than what you try to do. A dream can end before it starts. Nothing on the outside changes. It’s all internal. Your thinking. Your mentality. Your attitude. It’s where change begins. Then, everything on the outside can change.
If your heart is distorted. If you don’t feel good about yourself, who you are as a person, when you look in the mirror your reflection will be distorted. It matches how you see yourself internally. What if you see a terrible reflection of yourself in the mirror? What if you’ve tried for years to change and things seem to stay the same no matter what? The reflection is the same. What if you’re surrounded by too many people who only reinforce this terrible reflection of yourself? They don’t inspire or encourage you to see yourself any better than you do?
In these moments throughout my life, I’ve been forced to pray. Whether its on my knees or a walk through the park, I ask God to help me see myself the way He sees me. Over the years, I’ve learned to hear and trust His voice. But in order to hear Him clearly, I have to go somewhere that’s quiet. And I have to be able to slow my mind down from the 150mph pace it tends to go when I feel like I’m stuck in a certain season of life.
Often times, I go for a walk, talking aloud, venting my frustrations. Eventually, I grow tired, fall silent, and as I watch the cars roll by, I can hear Him speak ever so softly. You would think that God (phenomenal cosmic power) would have this brooding, thunderous voice. He probably does, but He doesn’t use it when talking to us.
I suppose the level of comfort I get from Him is because He’s calm. He voice is calm. He always seems under control. Never rattled. Nothing takes Him by surprise. He doesn’t get stressed out. He doesn’t feel the pressures of time, although, He is aware of it. Because He is calm, I am calm. If He panicked as much as I do, I wouldn’t go to Him for help. 🙂 But because He handles intense situations & thinks more decisively than I, He is a good Person to go to for help.
Now, it also helps that He’s never wrong. He always has an answer. He always has a plan, though, He isn’t very forthcoming in telling me what the entire plan is. He’ll let me know 11% of the plan at a time. He’ll give me enough information for me to take a few steps at a time. Which means that I’ve had to learn over the years to trust that He’s leading me in the right direction. Drives me crazy because I want to everything at once and He refuses to tell me everything at once. Yes, I know. It’s called Faith, but do we have to use it so often? 🙂
What am I learning now, you ask? To balance writing & art. I have to make time for both on a consistent basis. I feel like a yo-yo. However, I’m also beginning to see that I’m good at both things & there’s room for growth in both areas. I’m not entirely sure where my work will end up as far as publications, etc. I do understand that I have to keep pushing ahead, even when it feels like I’m not getting anywhere. There’s a reason that I’m compelled to continue on. It’s in me. This is who I am.
Well, I’ve done enough damage around here & it has been a while since I’ve had a lengthy post. Good talk.